Blog: Seven Signs Your Relationship is Toxic

We tend to look at relationships optimistically. Early on, we want to believe in happy endings. Later, we don’t want to believe our time and energy has been badly invested. This optimism can blind us to toxic relationships. If you find yourself suffering with another person, try asking yourself these questions;

• Do you like this person?
• Are they good for you?
• Do they bring out the good in you?
• Do you generally feel good in their presence?
• Is there more compassion than criticism?

If you cannot answer yes to all or most of these questions, odds are high your relationship is toxic. You may wonder, how can this relationship be toxic? I thought toxic meant physically abusive. While physical abuse is an ace-in-the-hole indicator, there are many other ways that toxicity manifests in relationships.

1. The Other Person Makes you Feel Bad

In a toxic relationship, the other person can be a source of negative feelings about yourself. The way they talk to and about you may make you feel guilty, uncomfortable, and inadequate. Perhaps they ‘keep score’, and bombard you with re-tellings of your failures and mistakes. Or they may relentlessly dig in to what they see as your flaws. In a healthy relationship the other person will strive to be compassionate, even about flaws. Afterall, to quote a tired phrase, no one is perfect.

2. The Other Person’s Needs are Always Prioritized

The core of a healthy relationship is give and take. No two people will ever be perfectly matched, and as a result there must be compromise. However, in a toxic relationship, compromise doesn’t happen. Your needs and wants get ignored or mocked. This can happen in many different situtaitons, from choosing a restaurant to sex. In contrast, the other person’s needs and wants must be accommodated. If they meet resistance in implementing their will, the situation becomes intolerable. They may fight, sulk, or act passive-aggressively until they have worn you down.

3. The Other Person is Always Trying to One-Up You

One-upmanship is not a good look on anyone. With a stranger it’s easy to roll your eyes. But in a toxic relationship one-upmanship can become cruel. It doesn’t matter if your experience is positive or negative. If you’re having a hard time at work, the other person will insist that their job is worse. If you receive praise for something you’ve done, the other person will insist they did the same thing better in the past. No matter the situation, they have to prove it’s more extreme for them.

4. You Don’t Like Yourself Anymore

As a toxic relationship progresses, you lose things. Confidence. Independence. Self-Esteem. As a result of the negativity surrounding your relationship, you struggle to like yourself the way you once did. The negative messages and emotions have seeped into your self-image.

5. Because You Don’t Like Yourself, You Stop Being Yourself

Related to the previous point, lack of self-esteem can drive you to stop expressing yourself, especially around the other person. You may conceal parts of your personality. Things you used to like (and if you’re honest, still do like) stop getting discussed. You may even hide or discard objects associated with your hobbies and passions. Things you once found enjoyment in and shared freely are rendered invisible.

6. Your Communication is Broken

In a toxic relationship, communication is rarely about mutual understanding. Ellie Lisitsa of the Gottman Relationship Blog details the ‘four horsemen’ of dangerous communication patterns; criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Criticism becomes toxic when it is pervasive, and done to cause harm as opposed to help.

Contempt is when someone belittles another. It belies pervasive negative thinking towards the other person.

Defensiveness is when someone always has an excuse. Often the excuse involves re-directing blame.

Stonewalling is the absence of communication. It’s when one or both parties completely refuse to talk and listen.

If your communication with the other person is defined by these patterns, the relationship has grown toxic.

7. You Have Lost your Privacy and Control

In a toxic relationship, your privacy often gets invaded. You may have to check-in frequently, prove where you are, or let the other person vet your friends and schedule. Hand-in-hand with these privacy invasions are other forms of control. The other person may dictate your appearance or diet. More subtly, they may attempt control through back-handed compliments and manipulation. In the end you’ve lost freedom of movement and self expression.

Escape the Toxicity

Toxic relationships are painful, and can have devastating effects on your life. No one deserves to suffer, feeling less-than and unsupported.

The good news is, you don’t have to suffer. You can get out, and get away from the source of your unhappiness. Once you do, true healing can begin.

© Laura Holt 2020